


Lost boy

by spoongobrrr



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom
Genre: Anorexia, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29282046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spoongobrrr/pseuds/spoongobrrr
Summary: Tommyinnit is done trying to stop himself. The thoughts just won't go away, and they keep getting worse day by day. He slowly develops an addiction to self-harm but begins to get careless with it.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SELF HARM, SELF HATRED, AND SO ON.

Tommy quietly lied in bed as thoughts swirled in his head. *Tubbo is only treating you like that out of pity. Everyone thinks you’re annoying. You’re worthless. You mean nothing to anyone.* Tommy flipped to the side and started to quietly cry. Those voices were right. He was worthless and he knew it. Tommy cried until he passed out from exhaustion.   
Tommy woke up with a start as a light flashed into his room. “Hello, hello!” Techno boomed. “It’s time for breakfast, small child!”  
Tommy glared at Techno but didn’t argue back. He just quickly got out of bed and went downstairs to meet with everyone else. This morning, it seems Philza had made eggs, pancakes, bacon, and sausage. Wilbur, Tubbo, and Techno were practically salivating at the smell that filled the kitchen. “Wait your turn, boys,” Philza laughed.   
Soon enough, everyone was sitting at the table with a large plate in front of them. Tommy glanced down at his plate and felt his stomach roll. This is way too much food for him to possibly eat. Somehow, he managed to stuff a couple of pieces of greasy bacon into his mouth, as well as a small pancake. Tommy almost threw up, but he covered it with a smile. “Thanks for the meal, Phil! It was quite good,” Tommy said through a full mouth. Philza nodded at Tommy, letting him leave the table to go upstairs.   
He barely made it up the stairs. As soon as he made it into the bathroom, Tommy vomited everything up. His stomach churned and his head pounded. That was way too much food for someone to consume even in a day’s time. Tommy wiped his mouth and stood up. He flushed the toilet and headed straight to his room.   
Per usual, he grabbed a long sleeve shirt to cover his scars and some comfy jeans for a long day of school. Tommy threw his backpack over his shoulder and went back down.   
Around 30 minutes later, Wilbur dropped Tommy off at college. Tommy waved aggressively at Wilbur as he pulled out of the lot. He sighed heavily and looked at the huge building. “Well, here goes nothing,” Tommy muttered.   
As Tommy passed people in the halls, he heard snickering all around him. *Look at that fatass. He needs to lose some weight. Ew, what an emo. I can’t believe he cuts himself. What a loser.* One after another, thoughts just penetrated his head. Tommy quickly grabbed headphones from his pocket and put them in. He hoped that the sounds would drown out the voices a little bit. The bell rang, and Tommy scurried off to math.   
Tommy's head pounds. *Do it, do it, do it*, the thoughts whisper relentlessly. *You're nothing without us, just one little slice. You'll feel better instantly~* they seemed to coo. Tommy quickly raised his hand. “Miss,” he asked quietly, “may I please use the restroom?”  
His teacher nodded her head quickly and went back to the lesson. Tommy grabbed his backpack and practically ran down the hall to the bathroom. He slowly pushed the door open and locked the door behind him. Slowly, Tommy slid to the ground and sighed heavily. Quickly, he pulled out a sharp blade from his bag. *The first one is always the worst. Come one, do it.* Tommy winced as he pulled the blade quickly across his wrist. Sweet bliss filled his mind and he finally relaxed.   
That wasn’t enough. The voices were still screaming, screaming, screaming. Over, and over, and over Tommy pulled the blade across his wrist. Tears began to fall down his face, but he didn’t stop. The feeling was just too nice for him to stop.  
After what felt like an eternity later, the voices finally settled down. Tommy’s arms were bleeding quite badly and he didn’t have enough bandages to properly wrap them. He wrapped what he could, and just put a jacket on in hopes no one would notice.  
The day went by quickly, and it seemed like school had just begun with the end bell rung. Tommy stood up quickly, not realizing that the blood had begun to leak through his jacket. He packed all of his stuff and began to head out to go be picked up.   
Techno was there waiting for me. “Come on child! It’s time to leave!” Tommy grinned and flipped Techno off as he climbed into the passenger seat. “Well Tommy, how was-” Techno suddenly stopped talking and just stared. Tommy cocked his head and looked where Techno was staring. His eyes opened wide in shock.   
“Tommy,” Techno whispered, “What’s going on?”


	2. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Techno confronts Tommy, but Tommy refuses to say anything. Later, Techno approaches Philza to ask for help with Tommy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW STILL FOR SELF HARM, ED, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Tommy just sat there, trying to look calm, but he was on the verge of tears. “Tommy… please tell me what’s going on,” Techno said, his eyes filled with tears. Tommy sat there, staying silent. *He doesn’t care. He just wants to send you off. Everyone hates you. They only pretend to care. Lie. Lie. Lie.* Tommy forced a smile onto his face as he moved his arm towards Techno. Carefully, he lifted the sleeve.   
Techno’s eyes grew large as he saw Tommy’s arm. From shoulder to wrist, there were deep purple lines, as well as some fresh cuts. “Tommy…” Techno asked cautiously, “What happened?”   
“Nothing,” Tommy growled. “It’s nothing you need to your worry your pretty little head over it.” Tommy yanked his arm back and glared at Techno. “Let’s just go home, okay?” Techno quickly nodded his head and started the drive back.  
Tommy angrily slammed the front door and marched upstairs. Techno slowly opened the front door and waved at Philza. “Hey Techno, welcome home,” he said cheerily.  
“Not now Phil. I need to talk to you about something.” Philza cocked his head but walked out to meet with Techno.  
“So,” Philza asked, “What’s the problem?”  
Techno reached around Philza and closed the door. “Well, it’s about Tommy. I think he might be hurting himself.”  
“Techno, what do you mean?” Worry was beginning to overcome Philza.  
“There were marks all over his arms; deep purple ones. And even some fresh ones,” Techno said softly.  
“Ah,” Philza whispered, “I need to go talk to him.”  
Techno quickly grabbed his arm. “How about we get some food into his stomach first, okay? We all need a bit to process and figure this out.” Philza said nothing, but nodded his head and went into the kitchen.   
Tommy went upstairs and shut his door quickly. He couldn’t do this, not now, not now. They couldn’t know about this. Tommy shoved his face into a pillow. “Why the fuck is this happening?” He practically screamed.   
For about 10 minutes, Tommy just laid there, hoping to be suffocated, but alas, death would not come to claim him. Tommy took a deep breath as he sat up. Quickly, he got out of bed and started to search for blades. *Come on,* the voices whispered, *we know how much you are hurting. Just a couple of little drops of blood, and you’ll feel better.* Tommy shuddered as he found the blades. He hid them in a sock in his sock drawer, so no one could find them easily.   
One after another, Tommy started to slice his wrist. At first, there was nothing but dull pain, but eventually, all the tension from his body was released. There were about 10 new deep cuts in Tommy’s arm, but that didn’t mean anything to him. Tommy looked around for some gauze and bandages.  
Luckily, they weren’t too far away and were under his dresser. Tommy quickly wrapped his arm up and hid the blades back into his sock drawer. Breathing in deeply, Tommy stood and prepared himself to go downstairs to eat. Hopefully, no one would ask any questions and he would be safe. Tommy glanced at his shirt, remembering the bloodstains on it, and quickly changed.   
“Hey Phil,” Tommy said cheerfully.  
“Hey Tommy,” Philza said quietly as if something was being hidden. Tommy got suspicious, but he didn’t want to ask any questions. He pulled his chair out and sat down. In front of him, lay one of this favorite meals; a good, juicy cheeseburger with french fries. Tommy, excited for this meal, quickly dug into his food, ignoring the small voices in his head.  
A few minutes later, Tommy noticed Philza and Techno staring at him. “Uh,” he said through a mouth full of food, “can I help you?”  
“Tommy,” Philza said worriedly, “Techno and I need to talk to you about something.” Wilbur raised an eyebrow at Philza but kept quiet. Tommy, praying that nothing would be said, put his food down and looked into his lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a cliffhanger. I just thought this would be a good place to end the chapter, so I'll probably be out with the next one tomorrow.


	3. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy gets overwhelmed at the thought that Philza may know. He runs upstairs and shuts himself in his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, ECT.

Tommy’s eyes went wide. Oh shit, he thought, what the hell is happening? It’s time, the voices hissed. Run, run, run. Tommy quickly got up from the table, his hands shaking. Tommy gave them a quick nod as he ran upstairs to his room. “Tommy, wait Tommy!” Philza shouted after him. “This can’t happen, not right now,” Tommy muttered. Quietly, he opened his sock drawer and pulled his blade out. He slid up his shirt and quickly cut in a new spot. Good, good. Now more. Tommy obeyed, and one after another, he cut deeply, drawing dark red blood, almost black.   
Tommy quietly sighed as relief filled his whole body. He wasn’t done, but he heard a loud knock on his bedroom door. “Tommy, please open the door,” Philza pleaded. “I need to know what’s going on.”   
Tommy quickly, as a human possibly can, wrapped his wounds, and pulled down his sleeve. He placed a large smile on his face and opened the door. “Hey, Phil,” Tommy laughed. “Sorry about that, I got nervous.” Phil’s face filled with worry as he looked at Tommy’s left arm. Tommy looked at him quizzically and glanced down.   
He didn’t have enough time. Some of the cuts didn’t get covered up and were now staining his white shirt a bright red. “Um,” Tommy studdered, “I can explain.”  
“Please Tommy,” Phil pleaded, “let me help in some way.” Tommy said nothing and rolled up his sleeves. Within seconds, tears were streaming down Philza’s face. “I… I’m so sorry,” Philza cried as he wrapped Tommy up in his arms. “I should’ve noticed. I’m so sorry Tommy.” Tommy’s face went blank when Philza said that. It had felt like someone stabbed a knife into his heart.  
Hearing what was happening, Wilbur ran upstairs. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Philza sobbing, holding a bloody Tommy. Wilbur said nothing and just stared. Tommy smiled weakly at him. “Hey Wil,” he whispered.   
“Tommy…” Wilbur whispered. “I…” Tommy just shook his head and smiled once again. Wilbur fell to his knees, overwhelmed with fear and guilt. “I can’t believe I let my little brother do this to himself. How didn’t I notice?” Wilbur sobbed.   
After everyone, except Techno, had done their fair share of crying, Philza gently took Tommy downstairs. Quietly, he went into the bathroom and grabbed some disinfectant, as well as heavy bandages. Silently, Philza began to wrap up Tommy’s arm. No one said anything for what felt like an eternity.   
“Whew,” Philza sighed, “all done. Your arm should be able to heal fairly okay now. Though there will be quite a few scars when it’s done.”  
“Tommy,” Wilbur interrupted, “what happened?”  
Tommy glanced to his left. “I did this, alright?” Techno walked over to the scene, keeping quiet as to not disturb the child.  
“Tommy,” Philza asked quietly, “we need to know why you are doing this, so we can try to help.”  
Tommy started to stob. “I want to die so badly. I don’t want to leave you guys behind so I cope like this. I don’t want to, but I can’t stop. I’m afraid if I stop-”  
“Shh,” Philza murmured, “you don’t need to say anything else. Just relax Tommy, let’s go lay down, okay?” Saying nothing, Tommy nodded his head and Philza swiftly picked him up.   
Softly, Philza laid Tommy down on the couch. Tommy was already asleep, snoring loudly. Techno laughed quietly, and soon Wilbur and Philza joined him. “I hope he’ll be okay,” Wilbur whispered.   
“Well, we need to get him some help, and then maybe,” Techno breathed. The three of them left the sleeping boy and began to talk in the kitchen quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the late chapter, I meant to write this last night but I ended up having some issues. But I hope you enjoyed it! I may write another chapter to this fic, and I may not. I guess I'll have to see how I feel about it later.


	4. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philza, Techno, and Wilbur (mostly Philza) talk to Tommy about his self-harm. It gets really emotional and stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW SELF HARM

Tommy woke up with a start. “Ugh,” he groaned, “my head hurts.” He looked around, only to see the rest of his family was gone. Quickly, he stood up, remembering what had happened for he fell asleep. “No, no, that can’t be right. That was just a shitty dream, right?” Tommy lifted up his sleeve carefully, and stared, eyes wide, at the bandages wrapped around his scars. Instantly, tears filled his eyes. *They know.* The voices hissed. *They’re going to throw you away. You’re utterly worthless to them now.* Tommy said nothing and just stared at the floor. He had to do something before they came back. No one could know, well, except they already did. Tommy shook his head. “Aha,” Tommy muttered, “I can just run. If I run, no one will need to worry about me and I’m no longer a burden.” Through the tears on his face, Tommy smiled and ran to his room.  
Tommy quickly grabbed a backpack and started shoving it full of things: socks, shirts, blades, pants, and some water. Tommy wiped the tiny droplets of sweat off his forehead and swung the backpack over his shoulder. Tommy walked slowly to the front door. Finally, he thought, I can leave. I won’t bother anyone anymore. Tommy stared at the door nervously and reached down to open it. From the other side, Tommy heard a small click.   
Tommy backed away from the door and ran back to his room. *They already know,* they hissed, *you might as well die. There’s no point anymore.* Setting his backpack on the ground, Tommy smiled at that thought. He could finally be rid of this horrid thing people call life. Tommy sighed deeply and sat down on the floor. He breathed deeply, preparing himself for a painful way out. A loud sudden knock made him jump. Without thinking, Tommy shoved his backpack and blades that were pulled out under his head. Preparing himself, he opened his door with a neutral expression. “Tommy, Tommy? Are you okay?” Wilbur cried, shoving past a stunned Philza.   
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just woke up not too long ago,” Tommy breathed, nervously holding his arm.   
Philza shoved past Wilbur. “Wilbur, you’re scaring him, knock it off. Besides that, can I have a glance at your arm Tommy?”   
“Well, I-” Tommy studdered.   
“I just want them to heal well without getting infected. I promise Tommy, that’s all,” Philza smiled at him as Tommy reluctantly held up his arm. Carefully, Philza unwrapped the bandages and braced himself for the sight. Surprisingly, there weren’t any new ones. And the ones that were still bleeding were just barely. “Well, I’m proud of you, Tommy. Thank you,” Philza released his arm and took a couple of steps back. Tommy’s eyes started to fill even further with tears. Tommy ran to Philza and hugged him.   
“Thank you,” Tommy muttered, “No one’s ever said that to me before. Thank you, Phil.” Philza wrapped his arms around the sobbing boy, and just held him there.   
Eventually, the two let go of one another. Tommy had snot and tears dried on his face, and Philza, well, he was covered in it. Tommy couldn’t describe the feeling he had in his heart, but it was nice. It was almost like he was wrapped in a fuzzy blanket of love, and he was watching his favorite movie. Tommy smiled wide. This was the best he had felt in a very long time.   
“Well, Tommy, do you know what you want to do?” Philza asked, holding Tommy close to him still.   
Tommy looked at him quizically. “What?”  
“Do you want help with this issue? Is there anything we can do to help? Take you to a doctor for meds, or a therapist? Anything like that.”  
Tommy pondered that for a moment. “Well, if it’s not too much to ask, meds and therapy I honestly think would be the best option for me right now. And well, having my family there with me the whole time.”  
Philza smiled at Tommy. “What about Tubbo? Are you going to tell him what’s been happening?”  
“Ah, well, he’s my best friend. I honestly think he needs to know,” Tommy looked at the ground nervously. He didn’t want to tell Tubbo, but he also couldn’t keep this a secret forever. “I think we should go tell him now.”   
“Alright, Tommy. I’ll be there to help you out a little if I can.” Philza waved over Wilbur and Techno, preparing the two for the possibilities to come.   
After a while of preparing, Tommy was finally ready to leave. He took a deep breath in and started to head over to Tubbo’s house.   
Tommy knocked on Tubbo’s door. In a moment, the bright boy opened the door and smiled widely at Tommy. “Hey, Tommy! I’m happy you made it!”   
“Well, Tubbo, I need to talk to you about something. Do you think we could go sit down somewhere?” Tommy asked, fiddling with his fingers.  
Tubbo looked at Tommy worriedly but nodded his head slowly. Tommy took a deep breath in and motioned Tubbo to a spot on the grass.


End file.
